Vail Buys World

Vail Resorts is expanding its portfolio. 

Planet Earth to Be Renamed “Vail Global Alpine Experience™” by 2026

In a shocking but ultimately unsurprising development, Vail Resorts has officially completed its acquisition of planet Earth, cementing its position as the dominant force in both the ski industry and terrestrial ownership in general. The $128 trillion deal, which includes 100% of Earth's lifts, terrain parks, natural resources, and "all usable terrain above 1,000 feet of elevation," was announced Wednesday morning via a press release.

“We’re excited to welcome Earth into the Epic family,” Vail Resorts CEO Kirsten Lynch said. “This acquisition represents a bold leap in our mission to bring seamless, corporately optimized alpine experiences to every corner of the globe, including those that were previously unaffiliated with winter recreation, capitalism, or lift tickets.” As part of the transition, Earth will undergo a series of “infrastructure enhancements,” including dynamic lift pricing for all human activities, RFID gates at national park entrances, and the replacement of all non-branded oxygen with Vail Air™, a proprietary blend of nitrogen and shareholder value.

Industry analysts say the writing was on the wall when Vail purchased Crans-Montana Mountain Resort in Switzerland in May 2024, quietly acquiring the lifts, retail shops, ski school, and 11 mountain restaurants, along with several cowbells and an undisclosed number of yodelers. In 2022, Vail had already secured a majority stake in Andermatt-Sedrun, another iconic Swiss ski destination. Locals initially celebrated the improvements to lifts and snowmaking, unaware that by 2025 they’d be paying $17 for a single schnitzel and required to scan a pass to access their own homes. “It started when they installed RFID scanners at the church,” Hans Münterflausen said, a lifelong resident of Andermatt who now identifies as a “Tier 3 Epic Rewards Subscriber.” “Now I need a reservation to walk my goat.”

Global Expansion Accelerates

With the European Alps firmly in its grip, Vail set its sights higher—specifically, at the planetary level. Insiders say negotiations with Earth’s shareholders (the UN Security Council and Jeff Bezos) began in late 2023, with final approval granted in exchange for lifetime Epic Passes and preferred gondola boarding during climate collapse. Effective immediately, all global activities will now require either an Epic, Epic Local, Epic Global Max, Epic Earth Ultimate Premier Reserve, or Epic Microtransaction Access Pass™. These will be available in tiers, priced between $1,500 and $249,999 per fiscal quarter, depending on how close you live to a mountain and how many vowels are in your last name.

Epic Pass Earth Ultimate Premier Reserve. 

“This isn’t just about skiing,” Lynch clarified. “This is about reimagining the human experience as one continuous, branded uphill journey—with optional add-ons.”

Terrain Access Changes

Beginning next winter:

• The Andes will be rebranded as Vail South America and made 42% more expensive to locals.
• All Everest ascents must be booked through Epic Mix™. Sherpa upgrades will be offered at checkout.
• Antarctica will be developed into a luxury ski-in/ski-out village called Vail Ice, featuring a heated gondola from sea level and a gondola-accessible Whole Foods.

Meanwhile, non-mountainous regions of Earth are being evaluated for potential terrain expansion. Rumors suggest Vail is considering the construction of a vertical people-mover in Nebraska and a snowmaking test facility on the Great Barrier Reef, tentatively called Epic Coral™.

Resistance is Futile (and Ungroomed)

When asked if there would be room for independent ski areas under Vail's new planetary regime, a spokesperson laughed for 11 straight minutes before saying, “Only if they’re scenic enough to acquire.”

Not everyone is on board. A ragtag alliance of ski bums, hut-dwellers, fading pro skiers, "content creators," and a retired French lifty named Gérard have formed a resistance known as The Ungroomed. Operating from a secret base in an unlisted sidecountry bowl, they hope to organize opposition via analog trail maps and handwritten avalanche reports. Still, their future looks uncertain.

“There’s an Epic-branded snowcat parked outside my yurt,” one anonymous Ungroomed member said. “I think they’re offering me a buyout.”

Looking Ahead

Despite criticism, Vail remains bullish on the future of planetary branding. “Our vision is clear,” Lynch said. “To provide unparalleled, fully monetized experiences from the moment you wake up in your Vail-branded smart bed until you check into the après bar on Mars.”

Vail Resorts stock closed up 14% following the announcement. Shares are expected to climb further once the Milky Way IPO's later this spring.

Gulf of Vail. 

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Correction: A previous version of this article stated that Earth was sold for $128 trillion. The actual figure was 2,100,000,000,000 Epic Points™ plus three complimentary ski weeks for the International Monetary Fund (IMF).